Mean People Really Aren't Nice To Be Around

I came up with the title for this article with aour subconscious. We have all been bullied by
children's story in mind. I had just had a reallymean people and have lasting scars as a result
yucky experience with a mean person whoand often, it has happened more than once in our
decided that I was to be their 'target de jour' andlives. The good news is that as adults, we no
after recovering from the attack, thought, "Howlonger have to be the victims of "meanies" and
can we teach children to avoid mean people?"can consciously choose to not allow bullies to
Then I thought that a simple but straightforwardharm us.
way to warn children about "meanies" would be toSo to end this article, I'd like to leave you with
read them a story entitled, "Mean People Reallyfive tips to help you protect yourself from mean
Aren't Nice To Be Around." I extend an openpeople...
invitation to any of you who might be inclined toESTHER'S TOP FIVE TIPS TO AVOID BEING
write such a book and spread it around...I have aBULLIED
feeling that adults, as well as children could greatly1. Recognize the signs of a bully and avoid them
benefit from reading it.at all costs.
Unfortunately, I was taught to be "nice" at allThis refers to the proverbial "red flags" to look
costs (I'm guessing you can relate!) and haveout for when you meet someone new who you
fallen victim to one-too-many a "meanie" (orinstinctively feel is not a good person to be close
"bully" as they're fashionably called today) in mytoo. Here are some common "bully red flags":
lifetime. But as I become older and wiser, I am· They say mean and nasty things about
proud to say that I am a victim of "meanies" noother people and often
more. I have learned, through excruciating· They always blame others for things that
experiences, that the bumper sticker I see on sogo wrong in their lives
many Westfalias driving along the West Coast is· They show an astonishing lack of
indeed true: MEAN PEOPLE SUCK.compassion for other people or creatures in
One of my most painful childhood memoriesdistress
dates back to the tender age of eleven when I· They never apologize for mean or nasty
was in grade six. As you can probably rememberthings they say or do
vividly, being a girl "tween" has got to be the2. Don't hang out with mean people.
worst initiation into becoming an adult known toThis sounds pretty simple, but is actually quite
womankind! In my grade six class, there weretricky at first if you were taught in childhood to
two "popular" girls I desperately wanted to beput up with "meanies". Here's a good way to
friends with. I would have lopped off an arm if itfigure out if someone you are hanging out with is
meant they would want me to hang around witha bully- read the "bully red flags" outlined above
them and be part of their little 'clique'.and stop hanging out with people who display one
Unbeknownst to me, these mean girls had an evilof more of these behaviors.
plan to shred the very little bit of self-esteem I3. Stop being a victim- do your personal work.
had to bits and rub my face in it. To make a longIf you have a history of being bullied, you
story more bearable-what ended up happening isprobably learned somewhere along the way that
that they each pretended to be my friend on ait was normal to be victimized. IT'S NOT
one-on-one basis (i.e., one would be my bestNORMAL! If this is a pattern for you and you find
friend for a week and loan me her favourite pairyourself constantly being victimized by bullies, I
of designer jeans and tell me which boy in ourstrongly suggest you go for counselling with a
class she wouldn't mind playing 'spin the bottle'therapist who has solid experience in empowering
with) and then they'd switch off the next weekwomen to leave abusive relationships of all kinds.
and the other girl got to play "best friend" to meUnderstanding the "source" of your vulnerability to
and make me feel like the most special girl in thebullies is the first step in giving them the old
whole wide world.heave-ho for good.
During these dreamy weeks with each one, one4. Be assertive but pick your battles.
girl would say horrible and nasty things to meRead anything you can about developing
about the other one and then try to get me toassertiveness skills. Take assertiveness training.
say equally horrible and nasty things about herFamiliarize yourself with your basic human rights
too. I was mortified the first time this happenedand memorize them. Learn how to stand up for
because I was taught not to say mean thingsyourself and how to confront others in a healthy
about others, but wanted their approval so badly,way. This in itself will make you less of a target
that I complied and said the meanest things Ifor bullies. There is a caveat with this though: it is
could think of about my other "best friend" innot a good idea to confront everyone who is
order to be accepted. Being a basically kind butmean to you- oftentimes, bullies are apt to attack
somewhat naive girl, doing this tore me up insideyou in return and you want to avoid being
because it felt so wrong to betray a friend, but Ivictimized even further. Most mean people are
felt like I had to do what they were doing toalso downright abusive and engaging in a healthy
avoid losing them.confrontation with such people is not realistic,
Well, after the two weeks of their brilliantwise, or productive.
"masterminding" were over, one day at recess,5. Help others who are being bullied.
both girls dragged me by the collar into an emptyOne of the best ways I know of to practise new
hallway and cornered me. They both took turnsand healthy behaviors is to teach them to other
yelling at me for saying mean and nasty thingspeople (being a therapist really helps me help
about the other one, and then punched me a fewmyself!). For example, if your child comes home
times for good measure so I got the "message".from school one day with a bloody nose and tells
To this day, I'm still not clear what exactly theyyou that another child hit him in the face, I'm
were trying to "teach" me, but I do know aboutguessing you would have an educational talk with
the lasting trauma that was caused in my bodyhim about how to deal with mean bullies in the
and mind as a result. Even writing about thisfuture (only after stomping down to the school
makes me shake physically. After they finishedand demanding that the staff there make sure
beating me up, I remember going home (athat something is done to make sure the bully
45-minute journey involving two subway rides andreceives consequences for his unacceptable and
a bus), entering the front door of my house,violent behavior). By telling your beloved child that
climbing the three flights of stairs up to my room,he doesn't deserve to be treated badly and that
and locking myself in there for a number of days.he can choose to not engage with bullies, you'll
I refused to go to school for an entire week andprobably also be reminding yourself of the same
my mother was helpless in her attempts to findthing. Chances are that you will practise something
out how she could help me. I think I went intoyou preached to your child that week! Being a
emotional shock and stayed there for days onrole model of someone who doesn't let people
end. It's one of my very worst memories ofpush them around is the best way to teach your
growing up.child to do the same.
The reason I took a risk in telling you this sad taleHope that helps!
is because as a woman-centered therapist, I haveHere's to a bully-free year ahead....
learned that we all have stories like this buried in