| I came up with the title for this article | | | | have to be the victims of "meanies" and can |
| with a children's story in mind. I had just | | | | consciously choose to not allow bullies to |
| had a really yucky experience with a mean | | | | harm us. |
| person who decided that I was to be their | | | | |
| 'target de jour' and after recovering from | | | | So to end this article, I'd like to leave you |
| the attack, thought, "How can we teach | | | | with five tips to help you protect yourself |
| children to avoid mean people?" Then I | | | | from mean people... |
| thought that a simple but straightforward way | | | | |
| to warn children about "meanies" would be to | | | | ESTHER'S TOP FIVE TIPS TO AVOID BEING BULLIED |
| read them a story entitled, "Mean People | | | | |
| Really Aren't Nice To Be Around." I extend an | | | | 1. Recognize the signs of a bully and avoid |
| open invitation to any of you who might be | | | | them at all costs. |
| inclined to write such a book and spread it | | | | |
| around...I have a feeling that adults, as | | | | This refers to the proverbial "red flags" to |
| well as children could greatly benefit from | | | | look out for when you meet someone new who |
| reading it. | | | | you instinctively feel is not a good person |
| | | | to be close too. Here are some common "bully |
| Unfortunately, I was taught to be "nice" at | | | | red flags": |
| all costs (I'm guessing you can relate!) and | | | | |
| have fallen victim to one-too-many a "meanie" | | | | · They say mean and nasty things about |
| (or "bully" as they're fashionably called | | | | other people and often |
| today) in my lifetime. But as I become older | | | | |
| and wiser, I am proud to say that I am a | | | | · They always blame others for things that |
| victim of "meanies" no more. I have learned, | | | | go wrong in their lives |
| through excruciating experiences, that the | | | | |
| bumper sticker I see on so many Westfalias | | | | · They show an astonishing lack of |
| driving along the West Coast is indeed true: | | | | compassion for other people or creatures in |
| MEAN PEOPLE SUCK. | | | | distress |
| | | | |
| One of my most painful childhood memories | | | | · They never apologize for mean or nasty |
| dates back to the tender age of eleven when I | | | | things they say or do |
| was in grade six. As you can probably | | | | |
| remember vividly, being a girl "tween" has | | | | 2. Don't hang out with mean people. |
| got to be the worst initiation into becoming | | | | |
| an adult known to womankind! In my grade six | | | | This sounds pretty simple, but is actually |
| class, there were two "popular" girls I | | | | quite tricky at first if you were taught in |
| desperately wanted to be friends with. I | | | | childhood to put up with "meanies". Here's a |
| would have lopped off an arm if it meant they | | | | good way to figure out if someone you are |
| would want me to hang around with them and be | | | | hanging out with is a bully- read the "bully |
| part of their little 'clique'. | | | | red flags" outlined above and stop hanging |
| | | | out with people who display one of more of |
| Unbeknownst to me, these mean girls had an | | | | these behaviors. |
| evil plan to shred the very little bit of | | | | |
| self-esteem I had to bits and rub my face in | | | | 3. Stop being a victim- do your personal |
| it. To make a long story more bearable-what | | | | work. |
| ended up happening is that they each | | | | |
| pretended to be my friend on a one-on-one | | | | If you have a history of being bullied, you |
| basis (i.e., one would be my best friend for | | | | probably learned somewhere along the way that |
| a week and loan me her favourite pair of | | | | it was normal to be victimized. IT'S NOT |
| designer jeans and tell me which boy in our | | | | NORMAL! If this is a pattern for you and you |
| class she wouldn't mind playing 'spin the | | | | find yourself constantly being victimized by |
| bottle' with) and then they'd switch off the | | | | bullies, I strongly suggest you go for |
| next week and the other girl got to play | | | | counselling with a therapist who has solid |
| "best friend" to me and make me feel like the | | | | experience in empowering women to leave |
| most special girl in the whole wide world. | | | | abusive relationships of all kinds. |
| | | | Understanding the "source" of your |
| During these dreamy weeks with each one, one | | | | vulnerability to bullies is the first step in |
| girl would say horrible and nasty things to | | | | giving them the old heave-ho for good. |
| me about the other one and then try to get me | | | | |
| to say equally horrible and nasty things | | | | 4. Be assertive but pick your battles. |
| about her too. I was mortified the first time | | | | |
| this happened because I was taught not to say | | | | Read anything you can about developing |
| mean things about others, but wanted their | | | | assertiveness skills. Take assertiveness |
| approval so badly, that I complied and said | | | | training. Familiarize yourself with your |
| the meanest things I could think of about my | | | | basic human rights and memorize them. Learn |
| other "best friend" in order to be accepted. | | | | how to stand up for yourself and how to |
| Being a basically kind but somewhat naive | | | | confront others in a healthy way. This in |
| girl, doing this tore me up inside because it | | | | itself will make you less of a target for |
| felt so wrong to betray a friend, but I felt | | | | bullies. There is a caveat with this though: |
| like I had to do what they were doing to | | | | it is not a good idea to confront everyone |
| avoid losing them. | | | | who is mean to you- oftentimes, bullies are |
| | | | apt to attack you in return and you want to |
| Well, after the two weeks of their brilliant | | | | avoid being victimized even further. Most |
| "masterminding" were over, one day at recess, | | | | mean people are also downright abusive and |
| both girls dragged me by the collar into an | | | | engaging in a healthy confrontation with such |
| empty hallway and cornered me. They both took | | | | people is not realistic, wise, or productive. |
| turns yelling at me for saying mean and nasty | | | | |
| things about the other one, and then punched | | | | 5. Help others who are being bullied. |
| me a few times for good measure so I got the | | | | |
| "message". | | | | One of the best ways I know of to practise |
| | | | new and healthy behaviors is to teach them to |
| To this day, I'm still not clear what exactly | | | | other people (being a therapist really helps |
| they were trying to "teach" me, but I do know | | | | me help myself!). For example, if your child |
| about the lasting trauma that was caused in | | | | comes home from school one day with a bloody |
| my body and mind as a result. Even writing | | | | nose and tells you that another child hit him |
| about this makes me shake physically. After | | | | in the face, I'm guessing you would have an |
| they finished beating me up, I remember going | | | | educational talk with him about how to deal |
| home (a 45-minute journey involving two | | | | with mean bullies in the future (only after |
| subway rides and a bus), entering the front | | | | stomping down to the school and demanding |
| door of my house, climbing the three flights | | | | that the staff there make sure that something |
| of stairs up to my room, and locking myself | | | | is done to make sure the bully receives |
| in there for a number of days. I refused to | | | | consequences for his unacceptable and violent |
| go to school for an entire week and my mother | | | | behavior). By telling your beloved child that |
| was helpless in her attempts to find out how | | | | he doesn't deserve to be treated badly and |
| she could help me. I think I went into | | | | that he can choose to not engage with |
| emotional shock and stayed there for days on | | | | bullies, you'll probably also be reminding |
| end. It's one of my very worst memories of | | | | yourself of the same thing. Chances are that |
| growing up. | | | | you will practise something you preached to |
| | | | your child that week! Being a role model of |
| The reason I took a risk in telling you this | | | | someone who doesn't let people push them |
| sad tale is because as a woman-centered | | | | around is the best way to teach your child to |
| therapist, I have learned that we all have | | | | do the same. |
| stories like this buried in our subconscious. | | | | |
| We have all been bullied by mean people and | | | | Hope that helps! |
| have lasting scars as a result and often, it | | | | |
| has happened more than once in our lives. The | | | | Here's to a bully-free year ahead.... |
| good news is that as adults, we no longer | | | | |